Here's something that I've noticed...
When I make decisions for myself, thinking it's going to get me somewhere. It doesn't. To clarify, when i am bestowed with two choices, the choice that I make, thinking that I'm being smart about, gets me nowhere. Actually, when I follow what I feel should be right and let things do what they do on their own, not fight my intuitions, that is when I'm most happy and when I get the most out of my experiences.
But here's the point that just blows my mind...
Am I not capable of making my own decisions?!
It's a strange feeling, quite frustrating to be exact, when you're arguing with yourself. See, no one in the world will notice these small internal conflicts, yet you do. Sometimes i can sit there staring into space arguing to myself, weighing my options, thinking of what my next decisions should be. I found myself in strange and mortifying predicaments during these contemplative periods (i sometimes let out a whisper or mumble).
But going on beyond that, I have lost all stream of thought. I have no clue why I titled this entry as it is. I know I had something in mind to write about, yet I totally sidetracked myself. And now I'm in a position that I find myself in almost every single day... Where was I?
Interesting how three small dots, or as we call 'periods', can set a whole tone.
can set a whole tone...
hm. or should i say? hm...
Whatever, that's not very important. But I will tell you what I feel is important, the angle that you come darting in at... life? I refrain from using the word 'life', because it feels like whenever i do it, it discredits me a little. I absolutely hate it when I find myself sounding like a pompous pseudo-Socrates. However, I have no idea what that would be like because i haven't actually read a single thing written by that man, and naturally never met him in my lifetime.
oh! I just remembered why I titled the entry as it is... but I no longer wish to dwell on that topic. Ew, i can't believe i used the word "dwell".
I'll make it short though since my body and mind now longs to do something other than this (probably take a small trip to the kitchen)...
Ever had your standard of living, or the things and the way you always thought things were suppose to be, become a strange blur? All those rules, all those customs, the manner, the dress, the morals, the ethics, the philosophy, the just about everything... it's all a little skewed?
am i hitting a spiritual bump in the road, or am i starting to realize something that i have been blind to because of all these "rules"?
Am I really in tuned with who I should be in tuned with, or am I leading a life that is guided by regulations and rules in which i have no idea where the root is?
Hmm i see how my little self dilemma looks like a battle of my faith, but I assure you (my little nonexistent audience) my faith is not being shakend. Merely, it is me putting things into perspectives I have not put myself in before. It can only broaden my sense of mind, or plummet me into an abyss in which eventually challenges my faith. But that's exciting don't you think?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
My Perfect Person
I'm not sure why I started to think about what I think the perfect guy is. To be honest, it seems childish and stupidly hopeful. Yet, being a girl, it's hard not to think about it. The kind of person you hope to find one day, perfect prince charming to come rushing into your life on a beautiful white steed and sweep you off your feet. That kind of perfect...
Well what's perfect to me is I guess, how big their heart is. I know that's super lame, cliche, and corny as hell. But nothing can top it, nothing. I just can't bear myself to be someone that i like for their superficiality.
So what makes a guy perfect for me?
Like i said, he has to have the biggest heart.
The kind of guy that loves his parents, kids, and just about anyone.
Someone that appreciates life and everything that's in it.
Someone that I can safely, without regret, give my everything because He'll know I gave him everything that i can give.
Someone who can love you with no condition.
Someone who can tell you that you look beautiful, even though you feel like crap inside and out.
Someone you won't be afraid to be yourself, someone that will love you for your perfections and your imperfections.
Someone that will respect you, and you in turn.
Someone who's willing to work it out, even though at the time, it seems hopeless (you gotta give him credit for trying).
Someone that will make you want to eat your heart out when he says something just terrible.
Someone that will apologize afterwards and you can sleep at night, finally.
Someone you can spend a night with in a room without the worry of something happening.
Someone you can just lay out a mat on the grass at night, look at the stars, tell them that they're gay for doing this with you, but really you couldn't be happier and you just fall asleep on their chest.
Someone that can make me laugh, no matter how i'm feeling or how much I'm mad at them.
Someone that's man enough to say sorry.
Someone that's man enough to say corny stupid things that he probably thought sounded cool in his head.
Someone who i can push to the ground and he'll just pull me right down with him, even if it hurts me.
Someone who will kiss the booboos away.
Someone you just always miss, even though they were just in front of your house 5 minutes ago.
Someone you think you're just sick of, but then you turn around and realize you want to take that back.
Someone who misses you genuinely.
Someone honest, dilligent, and hard-working.
Someone fair and wise.
Someone who can get things done, in the most fashionable manner.
Someone who plays as hard as he works.
Someone who still acts like a little kid.
Someone you want to cook for, clean for, and give them little surprises.
Someone who will ask you about your day, they might listen, or they might just glaze over at the sound of your voice.
Someone that will put their arms around you when they know you're scared, cold, or just because it seems like the right time.
Someone that will keep the door open for you, and all the ladies behind you.
Someone that all your friends are dying to get one for themselves.
Someone who just knows me inside and out, and understands when I'm just saying things and knows when to read between the lines and pick out what I really mean.
Someone like that, who truly knows something isn't right when I tell them everything is, but isn't.
Someone who will let me be angry when I want, happy when I want, and sad when I want.
Someone who loves God, and knows what love really is.
It's the kind of love that will make your head spin, make your friends puke, and sinks all your insides towards your thighs.
The stuff that's better than dreaming.
The feeling that you're floating above the ground.
The kind of insecurity you feel because you can't dream of living without them.
I know that's a long list, and it's going to be hard to come across someone like this. He might not even exist. Actually, no. I think this person exists, but it isn't someone, but it's a lot of people. When they meet the right person.
I've been noticing lately the meaning of chemistry. Sometimes people have great chemistry, they just hit it off really well. Some people have great physical chemistry, if you know what I mean. And some people just have terrible, horrible chemistry. It may be the same person, but depending on who they're with, they can be the "perfect person" or the devil himself.
But still it's like a gamble, how do you know who is Mr. Right?
hahaha
oh well, it's best not to look. It'll just be I suppose.
Well what's perfect to me is I guess, how big their heart is. I know that's super lame, cliche, and corny as hell. But nothing can top it, nothing. I just can't bear myself to be someone that i like for their superficiality.
So what makes a guy perfect for me?
Like i said, he has to have the biggest heart.
The kind of guy that loves his parents, kids, and just about anyone.
Someone that appreciates life and everything that's in it.
Someone that I can safely, without regret, give my everything because He'll know I gave him everything that i can give.
Someone who can love you with no condition.
Someone who can tell you that you look beautiful, even though you feel like crap inside and out.
Someone you won't be afraid to be yourself, someone that will love you for your perfections and your imperfections.
Someone that will respect you, and you in turn.
Someone who's willing to work it out, even though at the time, it seems hopeless (you gotta give him credit for trying).
Someone that will make you want to eat your heart out when he says something just terrible.
Someone that will apologize afterwards and you can sleep at night, finally.
Someone you can spend a night with in a room without the worry of something happening.
Someone you can just lay out a mat on the grass at night, look at the stars, tell them that they're gay for doing this with you, but really you couldn't be happier and you just fall asleep on their chest.
Someone that can make me laugh, no matter how i'm feeling or how much I'm mad at them.
Someone that's man enough to say sorry.
Someone that's man enough to say corny stupid things that he probably thought sounded cool in his head.
Someone who i can push to the ground and he'll just pull me right down with him, even if it hurts me.
Someone who will kiss the booboos away.
Someone you just always miss, even though they were just in front of your house 5 minutes ago.
Someone you think you're just sick of, but then you turn around and realize you want to take that back.
Someone who misses you genuinely.
Someone honest, dilligent, and hard-working.
Someone fair and wise.
Someone who can get things done, in the most fashionable manner.
Someone who plays as hard as he works.
Someone who still acts like a little kid.
Someone you want to cook for, clean for, and give them little surprises.
Someone who will ask you about your day, they might listen, or they might just glaze over at the sound of your voice.
Someone that will put their arms around you when they know you're scared, cold, or just because it seems like the right time.
Someone that will keep the door open for you, and all the ladies behind you.
Someone that all your friends are dying to get one for themselves.
Someone who just knows me inside and out, and understands when I'm just saying things and knows when to read between the lines and pick out what I really mean.
Someone like that, who truly knows something isn't right when I tell them everything is, but isn't.
Someone who will let me be angry when I want, happy when I want, and sad when I want.
Someone who loves God, and knows what love really is.
It's the kind of love that will make your head spin, make your friends puke, and sinks all your insides towards your thighs.
The stuff that's better than dreaming.
The feeling that you're floating above the ground.
The kind of insecurity you feel because you can't dream of living without them.
I know that's a long list, and it's going to be hard to come across someone like this. He might not even exist. Actually, no. I think this person exists, but it isn't someone, but it's a lot of people. When they meet the right person.
I've been noticing lately the meaning of chemistry. Sometimes people have great chemistry, they just hit it off really well. Some people have great physical chemistry, if you know what I mean. And some people just have terrible, horrible chemistry. It may be the same person, but depending on who they're with, they can be the "perfect person" or the devil himself.
But still it's like a gamble, how do you know who is Mr. Right?
hahaha
oh well, it's best not to look. It'll just be I suppose.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Friday, August 01, 2008
Use it. Abuse it. Lose it.
It was a nice night outside. I got to see a little sprinkle of stars which is a rare sight in our forsaken polluted electric wasting suburb. Nice breeze, nice night for a small stroll if you ask me.
Just one of those days when i wanted to be by myself. I wonder if i'm weird to want a day like that. Many people say that I'm stupid, but sometimes I really wonder if they truly believe it, because, i think they do. I may not be entirely stupid to them, but I think they feel that I'm only skin deep. That I don't really think about deeper things, prying into the inner most corners of my soul, those kinds of creepy things. Which is true in a sense, rarely do I ever consider my feelings when doing certain things... or so I have noticed.
I guess I really am a dumbass. As I was taking a walk back home from the park, I wondered when it was the last time I did something that I really wanted to do for myself. Or when i did anything for myself. It feels like I just do things for other people all the time.
Like this past day for example, from the moment i woke up, it was one errand, one encounter, one responsibility after another. All I really wanted to do today was absolutely nothing, just nothing. I wanted to listen to my music, grab a cup of coffee, and perhaps start reading this book that i've been meaning flip through. Yet, those opportunities rarely arise. Everyone just has problems, everyone wants to do something, everyone wants me to just answer their questions...
it's not their fault, they just honestly want an answer or do something. Innocent enough, they don't know what I went through or what I have to do. It's their needs first, before mine. Understandable. Even though i may sound really bitter, I'm not, it's just something I've accepted a long time ago.
I guess what I really want is a vacation. A real vacation, one where I don't have to worry about other people's problems, one where I don't have to worry about money or feelings, one where I can just be myself and do whatever I want without anyone telling me what to do or what they "think is best for me". None of that crap. A mini retreat from my everyday life.
But when's that ever going to happen? It seems like whenever I do things for myself, someone always seems to get mad. It's ironic, how those people who do get mad are those people who tell me to be more aggressive, to go out and do what I think is best for me. And when I do it, they're the ones that are the least pleased. I wonder why that is. I wonder if it's because it's not what they had in mind. Maybe I was put on this world to be just used by others, maybe i'm just a crutch, maybe that's just how it's suppose to be
Just one of those days when i wanted to be by myself. I wonder if i'm weird to want a day like that. Many people say that I'm stupid, but sometimes I really wonder if they truly believe it, because, i think they do. I may not be entirely stupid to them, but I think they feel that I'm only skin deep. That I don't really think about deeper things, prying into the inner most corners of my soul, those kinds of creepy things. Which is true in a sense, rarely do I ever consider my feelings when doing certain things... or so I have noticed.
I guess I really am a dumbass. As I was taking a walk back home from the park, I wondered when it was the last time I did something that I really wanted to do for myself. Or when i did anything for myself. It feels like I just do things for other people all the time.
Like this past day for example, from the moment i woke up, it was one errand, one encounter, one responsibility after another. All I really wanted to do today was absolutely nothing, just nothing. I wanted to listen to my music, grab a cup of coffee, and perhaps start reading this book that i've been meaning flip through. Yet, those opportunities rarely arise. Everyone just has problems, everyone wants to do something, everyone wants me to just answer their questions...
it's not their fault, they just honestly want an answer or do something. Innocent enough, they don't know what I went through or what I have to do. It's their needs first, before mine. Understandable. Even though i may sound really bitter, I'm not, it's just something I've accepted a long time ago.
I guess what I really want is a vacation. A real vacation, one where I don't have to worry about other people's problems, one where I don't have to worry about money or feelings, one where I can just be myself and do whatever I want without anyone telling me what to do or what they "think is best for me". None of that crap. A mini retreat from my everyday life.
But when's that ever going to happen? It seems like whenever I do things for myself, someone always seems to get mad. It's ironic, how those people who do get mad are those people who tell me to be more aggressive, to go out and do what I think is best for me. And when I do it, they're the ones that are the least pleased. I wonder why that is. I wonder if it's because it's not what they had in mind. Maybe I was put on this world to be just used by others, maybe i'm just a crutch, maybe that's just how it's suppose to be
Thursday, July 31, 2008
t y p e
I wonder sometimes why I have these sudden urges to type words. Merely, words. It’s not like I have something insightful, or anything exciting to talk about. No, it’s not like I’m trying to tell or sell anything to anyone. I really don’t have any objectives at all. I’m never writing to or for someone, nor have anyone specific in mind. Yet, for some reason, I still do it. This, this very thing that I am doing right now, typing words. I guess it’s just one of those outlets that I have, one of those things that I do when I am utterly at peace, or the very opposite, at war.I’m drawing blanks at the moment. Oh how much would I give to fluidly write out whatever that’s on my mind so I can rest a little easier at night, some kind of pen that eloquently arranges my thoughts, ideas, and imaginations, in chronological order with small visible color coded tabs.
I do have a lot of trouble remembering things, things that I shouldn’t even forget about. Is that an entirely horrendous thing? Of course, most of the time, I don’t forget about IMPORTANT legal the-government-will-hunt-me-down-if-I-don’t kinds of things (sometimes I do).
Have you ever taken those online/myspace surveys? Of course you have, who hasn’t? (Especially if you were born in the latter part of the 80’s and early 90’s) Well, those questions that ask you things like… what was the most exciting thing that you have done? What was the most embarrassing moment? Who makes you laugh the most? Who was the last person you wanted to kick the crap out of and what did they do?
Those kinds of questions, in which, I really don’t have an answer for. Am I an idiot, or are things like that just fleeting? Does any of that matter if I do remember them? I wonder if my life would be better if I did remember what my most exciting moment was, or would I be a better storyteller if I knew my most embarrassing moment?
I’ve come to conclusion that sort of questions are useless and dumb. For one, because I don’t have a clear answer for them, thus making them useless and dumb. Second, life is just funnier when you can’t make up your mind as to what the best was. What was the most painful experience in your life? Hmm… let me think, was it when I got whacked by the 5 iron or when I was bitten by an Amazon bullet ant? I don’t know, I just can’t decide. (note: none of that really happened)
A string of experiences, a string of stories to share. I think I would be sad, if I could pin-point a certain time in the past when I was the “happiest”, because to be honest… I should try to make everyday my happiest. As corny and stupid as it may sound, it’s the truth. It should always be changing, you should answer questions like “when did you feel the most special this week?”
hmm that's a tough one, seeing that I have the worst memory in mankind and on top of that I rarely feel special in that way... unless if it's like special as in retarded, that's like everyday. That's defnitely one of those 'hmm I don't know which one I should put down.
enough babbling from me tonight. I'm beggining to annoy myself.
Alex is so cute and lovely~
this is the only picture i could find on the internet...
mmm so beautiful... if only i had 600 dollars to spend on a wallet, well this is a clutch... but a matching wallet 
would be nice.
would be nice.Tuesday, July 15, 2008
It's That Time of the Year Again
It seriously surprises me how I always come back to blog an entry around the same time of the year. I guess I'm usually busy during the school year to pay attention to this sort of thing. Commitment is
harder than we like to think it is.
Let's do our annual update shall we?
- On summer vacation from CSULB and loving it
- Summer is going by way too fast, I don't want to go back to school
- Working hard folding underwear and opening credit at our beloved Victoria's Secret
-Went to Disneyland for 60 bucks and not for free this time, but had the luxury of not performing but spectating.
- I have completed my soonjang training!
- Met some wonderful people through my first year in college
- Changed my major from communications to interior design
- school was a blur, so fast, ended like that. Took acting class LOL
- New loves: pinkberry, diddy's, sprinkles
- Spent way too much money for me to even calculate
- Moved to a different house
actually i don't even know anymore, too many things happened in too short of a time.
Reflections daresay...
Personally, I don't feel like I haven't changed too much, but according to others... I have? Haha I guess in one point in time, I just grew up without much say. Only six more months (actually, exactly 6 months from now) till I'm no longer a "teen" but entering the dangerous double digits of young adulthood. Nah, it's not that dramatic. But when did I become so... old? When did I become so dry actually. Not old, dry.
On a little more serious note,
I need someone to bring me back down to earth. Please hold me down, I thought for the longest time that I could do this on my own. That I would be fine now, especially going through all that and seeing, feeling, and hearing. But, the temptations are far stronger than I had expected... I wish I was stronger, more dilligent, more... just more.
(S'MORES) are what I hate...
but chocolate sounds good, actually not really. That reminds me I left my bag of chocolate at church. Darn. I really want those Reese's. Eugh...
well that's all i'm inspired to say for now
Let's do our annual update shall we?
- On summer vacation from CSULB and loving it
- Summer is going by way too fast, I don't want to go back to school
- Working hard folding underwear and opening credit at our beloved Victoria's Secret
-Went to Disneyland for 60 bucks and not for free this time, but had the luxury of not performing but spectating.
- I have completed my soonjang training!
- Met some wonderful people through my first year in college
- Changed my major from communications to interior design
- school was a blur, so fast, ended like that. Took acting class LOL
- New loves: pinkberry, diddy's, sprinkles
- Spent way too much money for me to even calculate
- Moved to a different house
actually i don't even know anymore, too many things happened in too short of a time.
Reflections daresay...
Personally, I don't feel like I haven't changed too much, but according to others... I have? Haha I guess in one point in time, I just grew up without much say. Only six more months (actually, exactly 6 months from now) till I'm no longer a "teen" but entering the dangerous double digits of young adulthood. Nah, it's not that dramatic. But when did I become so... old? When did I become so dry actually. Not old, dry.
On a little more serious note,
I need someone to bring me back down to earth. Please hold me down, I thought for the longest time that I could do this on my own. That I would be fine now, especially going through all that and seeing, feeling, and hearing. But, the temptations are far stronger than I had expected... I wish I was stronger, more dilligent, more... just more.
(S'MORES) are what I hate...
but chocolate sounds good, actually not really. That reminds me I left my bag of chocolate at church. Darn. I really want those Reese's. Eugh...
well that's all i'm inspired to say for now
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