It was a nice night outside. I got to see a little sprinkle of stars which is a rare sight in our forsaken polluted electric wasting suburb. Nice breeze, nice night for a small stroll if you ask me.
Just one of those days when i wanted to be by myself. I wonder if i'm weird to want a day like that. Many people say that I'm stupid, but sometimes I really wonder if they truly believe it, because, i think they do. I may not be entirely stupid to them, but I think they feel that I'm only skin deep. That I don't really think about deeper things, prying into the inner most corners of my soul, those kinds of creepy things. Which is true in a sense, rarely do I ever consider my feelings when doing certain things... or so I have noticed.
I guess I really am a dumbass. As I was taking a walk back home from the park, I wondered when it was the last time I did something that I really wanted to do for myself. Or when i did anything for myself. It feels like I just do things for other people all the time.
Like this past day for example, from the moment i woke up, it was one errand, one encounter, one responsibility after another. All I really wanted to do today was absolutely nothing, just nothing. I wanted to listen to my music, grab a cup of coffee, and perhaps start reading this book that i've been meaning flip through. Yet, those opportunities rarely arise. Everyone just has problems, everyone wants to do something, everyone wants me to just answer their questions...
it's not their fault, they just honestly want an answer or do something. Innocent enough, they don't know what I went through or what I have to do. It's their needs first, before mine. Understandable. Even though i may sound really bitter, I'm not, it's just something I've accepted a long time ago.
I guess what I really want is a vacation. A real vacation, one where I don't have to worry about other people's problems, one where I don't have to worry about money or feelings, one where I can just be myself and do whatever I want without anyone telling me what to do or what they "think is best for me". None of that crap. A mini retreat from my everyday life.
But when's that ever going to happen? It seems like whenever I do things for myself, someone always seems to get mad. It's ironic, how those people who do get mad are those people who tell me to be more aggressive, to go out and do what I think is best for me. And when I do it, they're the ones that are the least pleased. I wonder why that is. I wonder if it's because it's not what they had in mind. Maybe I was put on this world to be just used by others, maybe i'm just a crutch, maybe that's just how it's suppose to be
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