Rearranging my Arrangements

Here's something that I've noticed...
When I make decisions for myself, thinking it's going to get me somewhere. It doesn't. To clarify, when i am bestowed with two choices, the choice that I make, thinking that I'm being smart about, gets me nowhere. Actually, when I follow what I feel should be right and let things do what they do on their own, not fight my intuitions, that is when I'm most happy and when I get the most out of my experiences.

But here's the point that just blows my mind...
Am I not capable of making my own decisions?!
It's a strange feeling, quite frustrating to be exact, when you're arguing with yourself. See, no one in the world will notice these small internal conflicts, yet you do. Sometimes i can sit there staring into space arguing to myself, weighing my options, thinking of what my next decisions should be. I found myself in strange and mortifying predicaments during these contemplative periods (i sometimes let out a whisper or mumble).

But going on beyond that, I have lost all stream of thought. I have no clue why I titled this entry as it is. I know I had something in mind to write about, yet I totally sidetracked myself. And now I'm in a position that I find myself in almost every single day... Where was I?

Interesting how three small dots, or as we call 'periods', can set a whole tone.

can set a whole tone...

hm. or should i say? hm...

Whatever, that's not very important. But I will tell you what I feel is important, the angle that you come darting in at... life? I refrain from using the word 'life', because it feels like whenever i do it, it discredits me a little. I absolutely hate it when I find myself sounding like a pompous pseudo-Socrates. However, I have no idea what that would be like because i haven't actually read a single thing written by that man, and naturally never met him in my lifetime.

oh! I just remembered why I titled the entry as it is... but I no longer wish to dwell on that topic. Ew, i can't believe i used the word "dwell".

I'll make it short though since my body and mind now longs to do something other than this (probably take a small trip to the kitchen)...

Ever had your standard of living, or the things and the way you always thought things were suppose to be, become a strange blur? All those rules, all those customs, the manner, the dress, the morals, the ethics, the philosophy, the just about everything... it's all a little skewed?

am i hitting a spiritual bump in the road, or am i starting to realize something that i have been blind to because of all these "rules"?

Am I really in tuned with who I should be in tuned with, or am I leading a life that is guided by regulations and rules in which i have no idea where the root is?

Hmm i see how my little self dilemma looks like a battle of my faith, but I assure you (my little nonexistent audience) my faith is not being shakend. Merely, it is me putting things into perspectives I have not put myself in before. It can only broaden my sense of mind, or plummet me into an abyss in which eventually challenges my faith. But that's exciting don't you think?

brainless

I guess true maturity comes when you start realizing you'll never really mature at all.