I think about these days if i've grown too old to pursue the smaller joys in life. Will i be always working towards the bigger goals? The bigger homes? The bigger promotions? Would I ever settle for the time spent driving along the coast, ditching classes to play at the beach? Or am I now entering the portion of my life when that is no longer acceptable, not because someone told me so... but because my pursuits of happiness is about accomplishing things, getting the grade, hitting the mark. Where now ditching a class will be a day's worth of missed information, a missing step on the ladder of success.
I have forgotten the feeling of carelessness because now every move i make seems to affect the very near future. I am told not to worry but it's hard when your life and the quality of it, is on the line. Where will i find help? I do not know. Everyone is busy climbing their ladders.
Of course, I haven't asked anyone for help. I still feel like they don't need to because it isn't their problem to deal with it. I still feel like there's no reason for them to share the pains and the trials, because they are my own... no. It's because of my bitter pride.
It's hard to find the good in all circumstances when all the good that you do seems to be leading you for self-destruction. If God can hear me... when will this end? Why must the world seem so right... so correct, so logical.
My mother told me that giving will be the death of me.
And I now know what she was talking about. I want to give and NOT think about how I will end up, but I do. All the time. If I have nothing to lose, then i can give more freely BUT being as I am... I don't want to come to the point where i have nothing.
What does it mean to count it all as loss and gain everything in Christ?
Because I need to know now. How much further do I need to be ruined for me to gain everything in You? Because, to be honest, I don't know how long I will last. What must I do to have at least one thing go right? Must you even take away my intellects and my ardent love for the aesthetics of language and the human mind?! Why must I grow cold to my former passions to pursue the further development of this relationship?! Why is it so hard to die to myself to gain an inspiration to live again?! and how come I know the answers to my problems, but i still have these problems... what must i do? I know in my mind, but I am lost in my heart.
