Just when you thought that the worst was over...

2009-12-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

Father,
Pierce my skull, so that your wisdom may reside in me.
Pierce my heart, so that it may beat with yours as my blood is consumed in your fire.
Pierce my hands, so that when I serve you I remember what you had done for me.

I will write new psalms in your favor,
a new song for my life.
Lord, You deserve it all, may our offerings be pleasing,
may our dances and voices be seen and heard in heaven.
Surely the days of fasting and celebration will be a banquet of Your blessings.
Father meet us there.

The Right to the Pursuit of Happiness

2009-11-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

Sickening. Studying for so long on the Declaration of Independence and the American Revolution has got me thinking about my rights of pursuing happiness.

I think about these days if i've grown too old to pursue the smaller joys in life. Will i be always working towards the bigger goals? The bigger homes? The bigger promotions? Would I ever settle for the time spent driving along the coast, ditching classes to play at the beach? Or am I now entering the portion of my life when that is no longer acceptable, not because someone told me so... but because my pursuits of happiness is about accomplishing things, getting the grade, hitting the mark. Where now ditching a class will be a day's worth of missed information, a missing step on the ladder of success.

I have forgotten the feeling of carelessness because now every move i make seems to affect the very near future. I am told not to worry but it's hard when your life and the quality of it, is on the line. Where will i find help? I do not know. Everyone is busy climbing their ladders.

Of course, I haven't asked anyone for help. I still feel like they don't need to because it isn't their problem to deal with it. I still feel like there's no reason for them to share the pains and the trials, because they are my own... no. It's because of my bitter pride.

It's hard to find the good in all circumstances when all the good that you do seems to be leading you for self-destruction. If God can hear me... when will this end? Why must the world seem so right... so correct, so logical.

My mother told me that giving will be the death of me.

And I now know what she was talking about. I want to give and NOT think about how I will end up, but I do. All the time. If I have nothing to lose, then i can give more freely BUT being as I am... I don't want to come to the point where i have nothing.

What does it mean to count it all as loss and gain everything in Christ?

Because I need to know now. How much further do I need to be ruined for me to gain everything in You? Because, to be honest, I don't know how long I will last. What must I do to have at least one thing go right? Must you even take away my intellects and my ardent love for the aesthetics of language and the human mind?! Why must I grow cold to my former passions to pursue the further development of this relationship?! Why is it so hard to die to myself to gain an inspiration to live again?! and how come I know the answers to my problems, but i still have these problems... what must i do? I know in my mind, but I am lost in my heart.

2009-06-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

Never in my life have i been so desperate, and yet I have not been desperate enough.

I've only just realized how much it costs to yearn for something,
I've only realized there's nothing in this world that is free.

It hurts a lot, but if i just blindly go through with it, it's not that bad.
Not bad at all.

How my faith has been tested in these past few months...
I've come to know that my faith has been the weakest of all,
but I also realized that my faith has all the potential in the world to move greater mountains.

But with so much on my shoulders, and so much of my realities against me...
I oddly feel very at peace.

I'm starting to slowly let go of my worldy desires one at a time...
and I'm beginning to express myself into words...
it's all coming together in some strange, stressful, and yet fulfilling way.

God is good.
I am not.
But we can be.

Fountain of Youth?

2009-06-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

I usually hear people tell me that I act mature for my age...

not to brag, rather, it wasn't anything I thought was worth bragging about...

Whenever someone told me,
I always wondered what they really meant by that.
I know I look old, i get it... i'm "mature"
thank you -__-;;

Is it because I don't say anything...
when I stay quiet and watch others bicker amongst themselves.
That's not maturity, that's just being stout, or keeping myself out of trouble.

I rarely give any advice worth repeating...
For the most part, I only know partially what to say
and when to say them.

I rarely provide or share anything that I feel you may need...
You just happen to be there when I have it.

(wow i sound like a horrible person.)

for awhile, I didn't really want to hear that anymore.
But it's something I should thank them for.
I would rather find myself to be more mature than to be anything that is considered less.

But prices were paid.

I guess the more I'm made "mature",
I made just that many mistakes to get here.

I wish I could tell that one person...

maybe being naiive isn't too bad...
순수한게 나은지도 몰라

눈물이 뚝뚝||K.Will

None is Mighter than Thy Pen

2009-06-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

I miss writing for the sake of writing.
I miss writing for my own head to hear, to know that I am not living a brainless, thoughtless life... without words to paint my ever off white walls.

I miss designing without worrying about what others may think.
I miss designing for my own pleasures, for my own satisfactions... on my own time.
I miss developing, discovering, practicing new techniques to improve upon.

I miss... many things that i used to do for myself and just myself.
I know I live a life that is not dedicated to self...
but as I lay in bed, coughing up a storm, I wonder how I got myself this far...
to the point where I can't even fight back the common cold.
----
I miss reading.
I miss drawing.
I miss making words with my alphabet cereal.
I miss browsing.
I miss looking out the window.
I miss driving to far off places.
I miss daydreaming.
I miss watching cartoons.
I miss playing dumb games online.
I miss talking and having conversations.
I miss my innocence.
I miss drinking coffee on rainy days.
I miss crushing.
I miss not worrying about bills and gas.
I miss watching sunrises.
I miss making breakfast.
I miss scrapbooking.
I miss sewing and stitching.
I miss the airport and watching the planes take off.
I miss poetry.
I miss music.
I miss dancing in my room.
I miss theater.
I miss rollercoasters.
I miss stargazing up in the mountains and down in the deserts.
I miss my family trips.
I miss making cards.
I miss singing.
I miss running through sprinklers.
I miss sharing embarrassing moments.
I miss

I miss...

am I missing the point when I waste time missing all the things I am missing by just...
missing?

shadowfeet||brookefraser

love makes the world go round?

2009-05-19T03:52:00.000-07:00

In the midst of my finals, the ends of my sophomore year, in the last few weeks of my stressful mission preparations, and other worries that consume my thoughts on a daily basis, I realized I have not taken the time to love.

Being self absorbed is tiring, even in affirmation. Yet my tiredness, my sorrow, only leads back to me. Thus, it is me being self-absorbed, and knowing that it's me and my own fault, it makes me more tired because I feel like I'm doing this alone. I'm not sure how it works, but it is an entangling entanglement.

However, that is where I fall.

As I shake my fist up to heaven and wonder out loud, why must the Lord give me these hardships to endure? What am I learning this time? And i realized today... it is not God. God isn't there when I'm going around in circles, worrying and doing one thing after another. No, because I'm forgetting to love. And without love, there is no God, because God is love.

I realized that God resides in the little acts of love, His entity is revealed when I love. When your spirit and my spirit vibe in synergy, that's God working.

So the more I love, God is all the more there; and with God there, all the more strength and energy to me! Which enables me to do greater things and finish things in victory because God is there.

But in order for me to tap into that wellspring
what I have to do right now is... pray for you.

2009-04-30T03:49:00.000-07:00

food.art.music.
defining the realm since the beginning of time.

b r e a k m e

2009-04-30T03:24:00.000-07:00

Rules were meant to be broken.
If rules couldn't be broken then it would no longer be a rule, but a state of law.

How much longer am I suppose to be measured by these rules
Jesus broke all the rules to become the one rule.

i wish things were easier.
but it ain't...

actually, it's really simple.
But I love complicating my life, it's drilled into my head =]
I regret not being stronger to let go of things that are measured by human standards.

SaraBareilles||InsideOut

What?

2009-03-22T23:33:00.000-07:00

I really hate my horrible short term memory.
My freaking goodness, how i hate it so...
if i could label it as a spiritual battle, i most certainly would.

It's amazing how I can forget the most crucial things at the most crucial times, every single day.
Where have I put the rest of my brain, can somebody please tell me?
I don't enjoy being this way...
and i certainly don't want to identify myself as the one with the mind of a goldfish.

It has put a major block on this hazardous construction site of a life...
I can only imagine a day when I have everything figured out, everything in its place, everything ready to go on time...

yes.
the perfect day, an illusive dream.

If were to be a bit more on track, I would be:
- smarter
- more efficient
- less stressed
- richer, have more money
- richer, not needlessly lose money
- happier?
- less tired
- less frustrated
- fruitful and abundant
- richer, wealthier in every way, especially financially...
- be less disappointing

i can be me, but 3 times more efficient and better in general.

i wrote this post because I forgot the main reason i even opened this post up.
damn my broken neurological senses.

i need a yogurt.

u n g r a t e f u l .

2009-03-19T01:02:00.000-07:00

I realized just how lucky i really am.

Even though I should've seen this from a mile away, I wouldn't be very "human" if I did.
Everything that I've ever needed has been given to me.
I messed up a lot, and I continue to mess up all the time.
I say the wrong things at the wrong time.
I don't say anything at all in others...
I ask for help. I ask for guidance...
and it's all been given to me.
But many times, i don't take the help.
Even I surprise myself because I lack so much, I really am as dim as one gets.

I'm humbled and amazed at how many times I have been given that second, third, gazillionth chance.

There's always a way to fix it.
There's always another path to take.
He's always been right there, even when I'm not.

-------
rainyheart||themusium

Being Still.

2009-03-07T22:58:00.000-08:00

It's so hard to discern God's voice in the midst of all this chaos, the hustle and bustle.

Recently,
I really found that heart of witnessing again.
For the past few times i went witnessing, I met people who go to church, used to go to church, and were hurt by their experiences there. Maybe God has called me to straighten things out, to heal them and let them know that even though THOSE people never loved them, He does.

There are so many misconceptions about God, even within the christian community. I don't even know how or when it began to get so bad. I think it's because we stopped listening.

As a whole generation, we stopped listening.
And God is a god of justice, the following generations will feel his punishment.
That I didn't really understand till today...

Nobody is born with a certain mind set, it's shaped by their parents.
So it would take a couple generations before God can really instill his presence on a family that turned away from Him.

I can only pray that I'm living a life worthy of His calling.
That i'm listening to Him.
I hope all my enlightenments, those dreams and visions...
if You're speaking to me, may it be plain to me and may I trust it with all the faith I have to offer...
numbers 21

I guess it's almost time, Everything is starting to irk

2009-01-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

I really believe there are only a couple key things that rub me the wrong way... to the point that leads me to write about it, rant about it...

Today I'm only going to rant about one of those things...

Hypocrites.

It makes me cringe whenever somebody uses that word. I've noticed throughout my short lived life, that people who use that word are the biggest hypocrites themselves. (I know i've totally contradicted myself, but if that was your initial thought, I also have a bone to pick with you, but that's another story)

Now it's not that you CAN'T use that word in front of me, go ahead, the word itself doesn't bother me at all. It bothers me when you mean it, actually... to be more specific... when you use it with another intention rather than trying to help a person become a better person.

For example, I believe, some people are incapable of seeing their own flaws if it isn't pointed out to them (for who knows what complexes they have). Maybe they really are a hypocrite, they live a life of a... an American Patriot! However, they are actually a Neo-Nazi leader. Something like that. Even though I am not one to point out your flaws (for my own cowardice sake), but it really makes me hold my tongue when that word is being tossed around.

Do they even know the meaning of hypocrisy? I'm going to take it back, way back to the translation in the Old Testament. Hypocrisy means being "godless" and "profane" (thank you wikipedia). I knew in the back of my mind that being a hypocrite couldn't just possibly mean "not practicing what you preach". BECAUSE, we are all guilty of that in some way, shape, or form. So in order for Jesus to get so angry at people being a "hypocrite", it really makes no sense that a hypocrite "simply" doesn't practice what he preaches. Because then, Jesus would hate all of us.

AND that is why I would never call a person a hypocrite UNLESS it is in a religious term. I also loathe fact that this word is used out of context, and used to bring people down and be defaced.

A hypocrite, according to the French, are those who hide their true intentions and personalities. And I feel that is correct, those who use the word "hypocrite" to deface others are in turn, the biggest hypocrite of them all.

(note: i wasn't called a hypocrite, that isn't why I'm frustrated)
----
wow that felt good to get that off my chest.

2009-01-13T01:52:00.000-08:00

Ohio teen convicted of killing mom over video game

our world needs a lot of prayer, nothing new... but still
you'd think...

I have lived for almost two decades

2009-01-13T00:38:00.000-08:00

It's strange how i feel... the same? But I've been feeling like i should've been twenty for awhile.
I kind of wish to be 20 forever (along with 95% of the world population, i leave the 5 for percent errors)

I really like the feeling of or the state of mind that I believe that I'm invincible. Disease, accidents, and all the other stuff isn't really part of my life equation. I love it. Death has no hold on me... yet. I do think about sometimes, for some reason I really do think I'll go in a car accident. Shh. Kind of like James Dean, maybe while I'm young and reckless. Haha, i should be careful of what I say, or at least that's what my mom tells me.

So i've already broken two out of two new year's resolution that I made. -__-; But I shouldn't give up now. I have this problem when my plans are ruined, i just scrap the whole thing.

hmm... i have a lot of problems now that I think about it.

What's been really holding me together so far are these two songs...
Brooke Fraser - Faithful
Mae - Last Call

I really like the line "an opera at a disco, when all you wanted was a rock show"
I find that really close to home...

Another thing just hit me upside the head
right now is the youngest I'll ever be

I wonder what I'm doing with my life, the first few weeks of my winter break has been absolutely hectic. I seriously felt like I was running on a treadmill not knowing where the slow down button is and just continually going with the flow, because if not, I'll fall face down eating the lovely rubber treads. lovely. rubber. treads.

I may be the youngest I'll ever be right now, but I'm also the most broke i've ever been! wow. I really can't even say anything about it... I'm so broke. Yet i still spend money, because I seriously cannot NOT spend money. What's wrong with me? It's seriously easier said than done. How could i NOT spend money? I guess I can live like a hermit for a couple weeks... but what of my winter break? This is the ONLY time i won't have any projects. ONLY TIME. I need this (or so i tell myself). But i think i've been doing pretty well lately, living on twenty bucks a day... it's an improvement.

God has not failed me nor broken his promise, I am physically out of resources BUT somehow there has always been a way for me to get things done. I guess this is a lesson I am currently learning... a real humbling experience to tell you the truth and this is forcing me to sort of stop and get some real business done instead of my head floating around in the clouds.

time for me to make as many mistakes as possible.

Rearranging my Arrangements

2008-11-29T01:36:00.000-08:00

Here's something that I've noticed...
When I make decisions for myself, thinking it's going to get me somewhere. It doesn't. To clarify, when i am bestowed with two choices, the choice that I make, thinking that I'm being smart about, gets me nowhere. Actually, when I follow what I feel should be right and let things do what they do on their own, not fight my intuitions, that is when I'm most happy and when I get the most out of my experiences.

But here's the point that just blows my mind...
Am I not capable of making my own decisions?!
It's a strange feeling, quite frustrating to be exact, when you're arguing with yourself. See, no one in the world will notice these small internal conflicts, yet you do. Sometimes i can sit there staring into space arguing to myself, weighing my options, thinking of what my next decisions should be. I found myself in strange and mortifying predicaments during these contemplative periods (i sometimes let out a whisper or mumble).

But going on beyond that, I have lost all stream of thought. I have no clue why I titled this entry as it is. I know I had something in mind to write about, yet I totally sidetracked myself. And now I'm in a position that I find myself in almost every single day... Where was I?

Interesting how three small dots, or as we call 'periods', can set a whole tone.

can set a whole tone...

hm. or should i say? hm...

Whatever, that's not very important. But I will tell you what I feel is important, the angle that you come darting in at... life? I refrain from using the word 'life', because it feels like whenever i do it, it discredits me a little. I absolutely hate it when I find myself sounding like a pompous pseudo-Socrates. However, I have no idea what that would be like because i haven't actually read a single thing written by that man, and naturally never met him in my lifetime.

oh! I just remembered why I titled the entry as it is... but I no longer wish to dwell on that topic. Ew, i can't believe i used the word "dwell".

I'll make it short though since my body and mind now longs to do something other than this (probably take a small trip to the kitchen)...

Ever had your standard of living, or the things and the way you always thought things were suppose to be, become a strange blur? All those rules, all those customs, the manner, the dress, the morals, the ethics, the philosophy, the just about everything... it's all a little skewed?

am i hitting a spiritual bump in the road, or am i starting to realize something that i have been blind to because of all these "rules"?

Am I really in tuned with who I should be in tuned with, or am I leading a life that is guided by regulations and rules in which i have no idea where the root is?

Hmm i see how my little self dilemma looks like a battle of my faith, but I assure you (my little nonexistent audience) my faith is not being shakend. Merely, it is me putting things into perspectives I have not put myself in before. It can only broaden my sense of mind, or plummet me into an abyss in which eventually challenges my faith. But that's exciting don't you think?

brainless

2008-11-29T01:01:00.001-08:00

I guess true maturity comes when you start realizing you'll never really mature at all.

The Fools

2008-08-19T00:42:00.000-07:00

oh wow i accidently deleted my whole post.

Please hold till I punch a hole in the wall.

My Perfect Person

2008-08-13T02:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why I started to think about what I think the perfect guy is. To be honest, it seems childish and stupidly hopeful. Yet, being a girl, it's hard not to think about it. The kind of person you hope to find one day, perfect prince charming to come rushing into your life on a beautiful white steed and sweep you off your feet. That kind of perfect...

Well what's perfect to me is I guess, how big their heart is. I know that's super lame, cliche, and corny as hell. But nothing can top it, nothing. I just can't bear myself to be someone that i like for their superficiality.

So what makes a guy perfect for me?

Like i said, he has to have the biggest heart.
The kind of guy that loves his parents, kids, and just about anyone.
Someone that appreciates life and everything that's in it.
Someone that I can safely, without regret, give my everything because He'll know I gave him everything that i can give.
Someone who can love you with no condition.
Someone who can tell you that you look beautiful, even though you feel like crap inside and out.
Someone you won't be afraid to be yourself, someone that will love you for your perfections and your imperfections.
Someone that will respect you, and you in turn.
Someone who's willing to work it out, even though at the time, it seems hopeless (you gotta give him credit for trying).
Someone that will make you want to eat your heart out when he says something just terrible.
Someone that will apologize afterwards and you can sleep at night, finally.
Someone you can spend a night with in a room without the worry of something happening.
Someone you can just lay out a mat on the grass at night, look at the stars, tell them that they're gay for doing this with you, but really you couldn't be happier and you just fall asleep on their chest.
Someone that can make me laugh, no matter how i'm feeling or how much I'm mad at them.
Someone that's man enough to say sorry.
Someone that's man enough to say corny stupid things that he probably thought sounded cool in his head.
Someone who i can push to the ground and he'll just pull me right down with him, even if it hurts me.
Someone who will kiss the booboos away.
Someone you just always miss, even though they were just in front of your house 5 minutes ago.
Someone you think you're just sick of, but then you turn around and realize you want to take that back.
Someone who misses you genuinely.
Someone honest, dilligent, and hard-working.
Someone fair and wise.
Someone who can get things done, in the most fashionable manner.
Someone who plays as hard as he works.
Someone who still acts like a little kid.
Someone you want to cook for, clean for, and give them little surprises.
Someone who will ask you about your day, they might listen, or they might just glaze over at the sound of your voice.
Someone that will put their arms around you when they know you're scared, cold, or just because it seems like the right time.
Someone that will keep the door open for you, and all the ladies behind you.
Someone that all your friends are dying to get one for themselves.
Someone who just knows me inside and out, and understands when I'm just saying things and knows when to read between the lines and pick out what I really mean.
Someone like that, who truly knows something isn't right when I tell them everything is, but isn't.
Someone who will let me be angry when I want, happy when I want, and sad when I want.
Someone who loves God, and knows what love really is.
It's the kind of love that will make your head spin, make your friends puke, and sinks all your insides towards your thighs.
The stuff that's better than dreaming.
The feeling that you're floating above the ground.
The kind of insecurity you feel because you can't dream of living without them.

I know that's a long list, and it's going to be hard to come across someone like this. He might not even exist. Actually, no. I think this person exists, but it isn't someone, but it's a lot of people. When they meet the right person.

I've been noticing lately the meaning of chemistry. Sometimes people have great chemistry, they just hit it off really well. Some people have great physical chemistry, if you know what I mean. And some people just have terrible, horrible chemistry. It may be the same person, but depending on who they're with, they can be the "perfect person" or the devil himself.

But still it's like a gamble, how do you know who is Mr. Right?

hahaha
oh well, it's best not to look. It'll just be I suppose.

2008-08-06T01:55:00.000-07:00

ever wondered why everything seems to be falling apart right before your eyes, and the harder you try to fix it, the quicker it seems to slip right through your hands?

maybe it's just better to let it fall and rebuild it

Use it. Abuse it. Lose it.

2008-08-01T00:36:00.000-07:00

It was a nice night outside. I got to see a little sprinkle of stars which is a rare sight in our forsaken polluted electric wasting suburb. Nice breeze, nice night for a small stroll if you ask me.

Just one of those days when i wanted to be by myself. I wonder if i'm weird to want a day like that. Many people say that I'm stupid, but sometimes I really wonder if they truly believe it, because, i think they do. I may not be entirely stupid to them, but I think they feel that I'm only skin deep. That I don't really think about deeper things, prying into the inner most corners of my soul, those kinds of creepy things. Which is true in a sense, rarely do I ever consider my feelings when doing certain things... or so I have noticed.

I guess I really am a dumbass. As I was taking a walk back home from the park, I wondered when it was the last time I did something that I really wanted to do for myself. Or when i did anything for myself. It feels like I just do things for other people all the time.

Like this past day for example, from the moment i woke up, it was one errand, one encounter, one responsibility after another. All I really wanted to do today was absolutely nothing, just nothing. I wanted to listen to my music, grab a cup of coffee, and perhaps start reading this book that i've been meaning flip through. Yet, those opportunities rarely arise. Everyone just has problems, everyone wants to do something, everyone wants me to just answer their questions...
it's not their fault, they just honestly want an answer or do something. Innocent enough, they don't know what I went through or what I have to do. It's their needs first, before mine. Understandable. Even though i may sound really bitter, I'm not, it's just something I've accepted a long time ago.

I guess what I really want is a vacation. A real vacation, one where I don't have to worry about other people's problems, one where I don't have to worry about money or feelings, one where I can just be myself and do whatever I want without anyone telling me what to do or what they "think is best for me". None of that crap. A mini retreat from my everyday life.

But when's that ever going to happen? It seems like whenever I do things for myself, someone always seems to get mad. It's ironic, how those people who do get mad are those people who tell me to be more aggressive, to go out and do what I think is best for me. And when I do it, they're the ones that are the least pleased. I wonder why that is. I wonder if it's because it's not what they had in mind. Maybe I was put on this world to be just used by others, maybe i'm just a crutch, maybe that's just how it's suppose to be

t y p e

2008-07-31T01:48:00.000-07:00

I wonder sometimes why I have these sudden urges to type words. Merely, words. It’s not like I have something insightful, or anything exciting to talk about. No, it’s not like I’m trying to tell or sell anything to anyone. I really don’t have any objectives at all. I’m never writing to or for someone, nor have anyone specific in mind. Yet, for some reason, I still do it. This, this very thing that I am doing right now, typing words. I guess it’s just one of those outlets that I have, one of those things that I do when I am utterly at peace, or the very opposite, at war.

I’m drawing blanks at the moment. Oh how much would I give to fluidly write out whatever that’s on my mind so I can rest a little easier at night, some kind of pen that eloquently arranges my thoughts, ideas, and imaginations, in chronological order with small visible color coded tabs.

I do have a lot of trouble remembering things, things that I shouldn’t even forget about. Is that an entirely horrendous thing? Of course, most of the time, I don’t forget about IMPORTANT legal the-government-will-hunt-me-down-if-I-don’t kinds of things (sometimes I do).

Have you ever taken those online/myspace surveys? Of course you have, who hasn’t? (Especially if you were born in the latter part of the 80’s and early 90’s) Well, those questions that ask you things like… what was the most exciting thing that you have done? What was the most embarrassing moment? Who makes you laugh the most? Who was the last person you wanted to kick the crap out of and what did they do?

Those kinds of questions, in which, I really don’t have an answer for. Am I an idiot, or are things like that just fleeting? Does any of that matter if I do remember them? I wonder if my life would be better if I did remember what my most exciting moment was, or would I be a better storyteller if I knew my most embarrassing moment?

I’ve come to conclusion that sort of questions are useless and dumb. For one, because I don’t have a clear answer for them, thus making them useless and dumb. Second, life is just funnier when you can’t make up your mind as to what the best was. What was the most painful experience in your life? Hmm… let me think, was it when I got whacked by the 5 iron or when I was bitten by an Amazon bullet ant? I don’t know, I just can’t decide. (note: none of that really happened)
A string of experiences, a string of stories to share. I think I would be sad, if I could pin-point a certain time in the past when I was the “happiest”, because to be honest… I should try to make everyday my happiest. As corny and stupid as it may sound, it’s the truth. It should always be changing, you should answer questions like “when did you feel the most special this week?”

hmm that's a tough one, seeing that I have the worst memory in mankind and on top of that I rarely feel special in that way... unless if it's like special as in retarded, that's like everyday. That's defnitely one of those 'hmm I don't know which one I should put down.

enough babbling from me tonight. I'm beggining to annoy myself.

Alex is so cute and lovely~

this is the only picture i could find on the internet...

mmm so beautiful... if only i had 600 dollars to spend on a wallet, well this is a clutch... but a matching wallet would be nice.

It's That Time of the Year Again

2008-07-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

It seriously surprises me how I always come back to blog an entry around the same time of the year. I guess I'm usually busy during the school year to pay attention to this sort of thing. Commitment is

harder than we like to think it is.

Let's do our annual update shall we?
- On summer vacation from CSULB and loving it
- Summer is going by way too fast, I don't want to go back to school
- Working hard folding underwear and opening credit at our beloved Victoria's Secret
-Went to Disneyland for 60 bucks and not for free this time, but had the luxury of not performing but spectating.
- I have completed my soonjang training!
- Met some wonderful people through my first year in college
- Changed my major from communications to interior design
- school was a blur, so fast, ended like that. Took acting class LOL
- New loves: pinkberry, diddy's, sprinkles
- Spent way too much money for me to even calculate
- Moved to a different house

actually i don't even know anymore, too many things happened in too short of a time.

Reflections daresay...
Personally, I don't feel like I haven't changed too much, but according to others... I have? Haha I guess in one point in time, I just grew up without much say. Only six more months (actually, exactly 6 months from now) till I'm no longer a "teen" but entering the dangerous double digits of young adulthood. Nah, it's not that dramatic. But when did I become so... old? When did I become so dry actually. Not old, dry.

On a little more serious note,
I need someone to bring me back down to earth. Please hold me down, I thought for the longest time that I could do this on my own. That I would be fine now, especially going through all that and seeing, feeling, and hearing. But, the temptations are far stronger than I had expected... I wish I was stronger, more dilligent, more... just more.

(S'MORES) are what I hate...
but chocolate sounds good, actually not really. That reminds me I left my bag of chocolate at church. Darn. I really want those Reese's. Eugh...

well that's all i'm inspired to say for now

Writing To You as a Graduate

2007-06-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

Wow i haven't even had the slightest notion to update nor look at this thing until i looked at jenn's.

It has been awhile and so i took the time (which at the moment i have a lot of) to read a few of my past entries. And it's strange how i come back now, around the same time I actually started my blog last year. Well I wrote about the beginning of Senior year and I guess i'll have to write about the conclusion.

Have I done all those things that I aspired to be? That i promised that i would do? Well, i did actually accomplish a few things in my last few months at Glen A Wilson. I have survived the college application/admittance process with only a few cuts and bruises. Finals were, of course, a breeze this year. And i have tried to make the most of 2007. We finished first/second for winterguard, went to prom and rode in a limo for the first time, I got a membership at Bally Total Fitness, I had a balance of $600 on my credit card, I drove for miles and miles by myself, i had a blast at gradnite, and i took so many pictures in the month of June to last me a few lifetimes.

And now it has come to an amazing stop.
I haven't felt so free and relaxed in these past 2 weeks before.
And it's still strange to think that I did graduate and that I will never come back to Wilson for classes any longer, it's still not real...

So i can't say that I'm sad to be leaving, but I am. Everytime I drive home and i pass by the stadium all lit up, it leaves a strange empty feeling inside, because i know I'm no longer a branch at Wilson. Everything will move on and slide over a little too well without me.

But, vice-versa, I'm ready to move on as well. I've never thought that I would be looking for jobs everywhere i go, getting prepared to move out into an apartment, waking up at 10 in the morning and doing whatever i please instead of going to summer school or going to colorguard practice. I've finished almost all business that I have at wilson and all I have left to do is retreive my final transcript at the end of this month.

I have a feeling this summer will be the only summer like this that I will ever have.

Nearly Forgot that This thing was here...

2006-12-17T22:21:00.000-08:00

So i have forgotten about my blog that nobody reads, but i like to keep myself updated... for future reference of course...

well since it's been awhile I'll just dispense out a few watered down highlights thus far:
-we ended our field season with 8th place for guard, 7th for band...
-we started out second season, the song is called "colors" by Seal (the guy with the scars on his face and is dating Heidi Klum)
-We finished our Winter Concert last Thursday (and i must say i've gotten quite sick because of the whole ordeal)
-We also had our annual RWMA xmas party which was fun, haha yes... i can't say they were "good" memories, but definitely hilarious and worth wasting a few minutes discussing about.
-We started our Winter Break!!
-I finished all my xmas shopping
-ANNND, i couldn't wait and i was easily swooned to unwrap all my presents... and I am quite pleased with everything i got this year... especially the new laptop =] very cool

Thanks to everyone for their wonderful gifts, i LOVE them all even the yummy candycanes and baked goodies.

At church today, Jennifer brought up the quite ridiculous notion that of all people, I, was spoiled. And i have to say that she's absolutley correct... today it has been a very productive day in the material sense. I recieved everything that i've ever wanted that i could have (OH I was close to getting a Wii but someone took the very LAST one and the only PS3 i could find is about $1200) I got a new laptop, the pirates of the carribbean dvd, the justice league ps2 game, the zelda: twilight princess for gamecube, and the ipod-to-tape converter for my car, the madgab game, a giant paddle, a personalized blanket, lots of jewlery... i mean all i need is a new pair of sweats and i just got everything on my xmas wishlist...

and the scary thing is that that's not all... i didnt unwrap all of my gifts yet...

do i really deserve all this?

Which Shirt?

2006-10-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

hmm... such a dilemma...

Those Last First Things

2006-09-11T23:48:00.000-07:00

So we had our last first football game last Friday...
one of the many last first things that are headed my way.

it felt so good to perform again, and be there... even though i sat out for the last ending flag section POOOPOOO haha it's not that bad except i had to sit there kneeling the whole time, i thought my legs were going to have go through amputation because it hurt sitting there.

well it's my time to rest until EL SABRE section in that ridiculous beat of a song...
OY, but i'm kind of excited for it, but scared... excited but scared...
i'm not looking forward to the bruises and sore muscles... i need to sharpen my skills so i don't hit my head with my equipment like i do every year...

Oh which reminds me of October 14...
what is up with that?!

grr i can't believe that so much is going on on that day, however, i have to take my SATS and it's a competition day... so it really gives me no room to do much.

Well that's the day of our Homecoming, the Bamboozle Left concert (with hellogoodbye, dashboard confessional, sugarcult, Jack's mannequin, AND Cute is What We Aim FOR!!), and a friend's birthday.

Oh man this opportunity cost thing is really biting back isn't it?

The Best Years are the Last Years...

2006-09-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

or so i hope.

Here we are again, the first day of school... however, now I'm a senior~
that went by so fast that my mind hasn't even caught up yet, it's as if time shifted into overdrive.

Classes are all right, no drama (like i ever have any... well sometimes... self drama mostly, because i'm like a little hermit in an ov ersized shell), no problems, nothing at all... but i do feel tired most of the time, which isn't really good. I finally got no first period, but i threw it away to be my english teacher's TA, she sounded like she needed a lot of help and well there i was with no first period so i decided to lend a hand.

This is totally off topic, but like it matters this is my blog and i get to talk about whatever i want... don't EVER lose your green card, passport, social security number... oh man... i'm so screwed. But things are looking up, this past wednesday and today i went to the INS to try and get my greencard. I swear in those two days, just to try and get my fingerprints on document, it cost about $300 plus all that time i wasted in this past week and all those other days i wasted during the summer and last year (and most of the time were useless waiting around, or getting something from somwhere for some damn reason!) ugh... it really took everything out of me. It might not seem that tiring (heck, i even got to get out of school early on the first day and got to school late today) but sitting there and waiting and waiting and hearing people talk, asking me the same damn things over and over again (but i don't blame them, they're just doing their job, i just wished the process was faster and more efficient) it really kills the spirit.

I feel so handicapped, this has seriously screwed me over. I can't get my license without any identification of myself. I can't travel anywhere on a plane, let alone leave the country, I can't create a checking account (which my dad told me he's going to be depositing my money there which also means that i won't be getting money until i open my checking account, WHICH MEANS i need to get my license, and that's a problem... really.), i can't even buy myself a freakin rated R movie ticket... that is sooooo sad.

so i'm a little stressed out about a few things... if this thing blows over nicely from now on, i think i'll be ok... but if not, please stop me from jumping off a bridge.

I'm bored at 2 in the morning

2006-07-14T02:34:00.000-07:00

Your Name Is?: crazy mary - fm static
How Old Are You?: Definitely Maybe - fm static
I Am Labled What?: christy's wedding - class of 98
Do You Think You're Messed Up?: Action - Blink 182
Your Family Thinks You Are?: wake up early - starflyer 59 (hardly...)
Friends think you are?: Starting Line - Number One Gun
Teachers (Past or Present) Think You Are?:Second Chances - October Fall
Strangers Say To You: lack of air - sunstreak
Your Mom: wolf in sheeps clothing - this providence (lol)
What song do you listen to when you're bored?: New York Minute - Butch Walker
Happy?: Sway - Pussy Cat Dolls
Sad?: We Intertwined - the hush sound
Excited?: the queen and i - gym class heroes
Lazy?: way away - yellowcard
Paranoid: ants - forgive durden
Your outlook on life is: Gone - Kelly Clarkson
The world is: Break it Off - Sean Paul
People are: There is a class for this - cute is what we aim for
Everday is: On and on - number one gun ('tis 'tis...)
Right Now You Are: Luckie St. - Cartel (i cant say i agree)
I Wish I Was: the good kind - michelle branch (aww that saddens me...)
Candy Is: No such thing - John Mayer
Love Is: Really Something - Aaron Sprinkle (aww...)
You Like: Good Foot - Justin Timberlake (lolol)
Are You In A Relationship?: SOS - Rihanna (haha)
If You've Ever Been In Love, How Was It: Dirty - C. Aguilera (lol)
Girls Or Guys?: Passive Agressive - the lonley hearts (ehh... that's a weird answer)

More Random Stuff
I Want:: the night life - the starting line (do i?)
I Need:: tilt ya head - nelly
It's Friday, I'm:: I'm Feeling You - Michelle Branch (ehh... hmm...)

Music
I Think Rap Is/Should/Was (etc.):: only once - yellowcard (haha)
Pop:: Poison like your own - Rookie of the Year (lol)
Rock:: Feel it - Black Eyed Peas
Punk:: With Love from Me to You - Watashi Wa
Ska:: Deja Vu - beyonce
Emo:: lights and sounds - yellowcard
Jazz:: the kill - 30 seconds to mars
Country:: the new american classic - taking back sunday (lol i think it already is...)
My Favorite Song Is:: spin - taking back sunday (not really...)
My Favorite Band/Musician Is:: You have my attention - copeland
Music Is:: how to save a life - the fray (AMEN)

Random
Poop Is:: fear of sleep - the strokes
Juice Boxes Are:: into the airwaves - jack's mannequin
Peter Pan Is:: words, hands, hearts - yellowcard
Michael Jackson Is:: buttons - PCD (crazy?)
Grab ahold and:: ain't no other man but you - C. Aguilera
If you were in a gang you'd:: lyrical lies - cute is what we aim for
Your gang would be called:: crazy - gnarls barkley (lol)

Questions
Do You Think The World Is Stupid?: Bad Day - Daniel Powter
How do you feel about people in general?: the one thing i have left - Hawk nelson (haha maybe...)
Are people hypocrites?: bruised - jack's mannequin
Labels are?: late show
Intelligence is: laughing at you - head automatica (haha i like how that sounds)
What do you wish you were doing?: make damn sure - tbs
Where do you wish you were?: ocean avenue - yellowcard (haha)
Your Thoughts On: War?: Promiscous - nelly furtado
Abortion?: so what - field mob
Gay Rights?: sexyback - justin timberlake (how fitting for a song like that...)
Freedom Of Speech?: switch - will smith
Aliens?: Photograph - tbs (yes i want proof!)
Immigrants?: over my head - the fray

These Bands/Musicians Are:
Skid Row: I'm real - starting line
Insane Clown Posse: electricityscape - the strokes
Britney Spears: juicebox - strokes
NeYo: vindicated - dashboard...
69 Eyes: walk away - kelly clarkson
Flyleaf: Everywhere - yellowcard
Nelly: You are so last summer - TBS (haha true true...)

More Crap
Currently You Are:: don't be so hard - the audition
Your Emotion Is:: Turn it up
The Time Is:: 100s and 1000s of stars - class of 98
My Belly Is:: terminal (oh... how scary...)
This survey is:: addicted - kelly clarkson
The Song Playing Now Is:: soldier - destiny's child

Vans Warped Tour 2006

2006-07-13T15:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended the Van's Warped Tour for the first time. I must say, if I was there by myself, I wouldn't have known what was going on...

It was fun though! I went with Sam and her two friends Jessica and Tiffany. It was uber tiring, but i didn't notice that until the end of the day. I only got to really see four bands playing: Motion City Soundtrack, Hellogoodbye, The Academy Is, and Gym Class Heroes. They were all really good, well we were late for the Hellogoodbye show, but they were ok but I've seen them at their own shows two times already so i wasn't really paying attention. Academy is and Motion City Soundtrack were really good, i thought they would be bad live, but they proved me wrong. Wow they're good, with good stage pressence =]

Motion City SoundtrackHellogoodbye, forrest what a dork

Gym Class Heroes. I've heard their stuff last year, but i never expected them to get pretty popular (KIIS FM?!)

Academy Is. Blew me away. I loved them even more now.
Gnarls Barkeley was their as a surprise guest and also that guy from Fall Out Boy, not Patrick, they one with the dark short hair.

There's Sam trying to get some MONEY, well a ticket for free stuff.

Sam and I. We Got "tatoos"

All the stuff i bought and got for FREE

The Academy Is signed my bag WOO~

A fun day indeed, minus the major sunburn i got

Time to Jump on the Band Wagon...

2006-07-02T17:23:00.000-07:00

ok so i seem to be only talking about the world cup online these days, but it's almost over anyway.

Final Four: Germany, Portugal, Italy, and France

I wouldn't be cheering for France if it wasn't for Thierry Henry.
He's such a great player,a real agressor, not to mention very handsome.
He beats David Beckham hands down!
too bad England got knocked out, and Argentina...
Oh i heard David quit the team? Or at least he won't be England's captain anymore. sad. Well there's always Rooney, he's freakin awesome.

Yes, Gernamy or France... win win win
2nd Germany
1st France

oh in other news...
i got a car. I forgot to take a picture of it so no picture, but it won't be a mystery. It's a white Honda CR-V. how random of me. actually, i was going to get the mazda 3 or 6, but my dad changed his mind without telling me, and i ended up with a honda. which is great! but it's still a mystery why i even got a car, a new car at that

Is This Proof?

2006-06-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

bitch.

Just thinking about it makes me sooo angry.
I don't care that we lost...
I care about HOW we lost.

If it was a fair game, I would say we put up a good fight...
but that is far from what happened today. ARGGG

Yes, so the ref gave a few yellowcards to the swiss team, but WHEN did he give them those stupid crapcards? I wonder, was it during those korea's-about-to-kick-it-in-the-goal-until-you-stopped-them moments? Oh wait wait... i think it WAS
You know, do these refs go through some special referee school or something, because i think today's ref FAILED but somehow got through.

EVERY FREAKING PERSON KNOWS THAT YOU DON'T GIVE ANY PENALTIES DURING CRUCIAL KICKS UNTIL IT'S CERTAIN THAT THE BALL DIDN'T MAKE IT IN THE GOAL. HE FREAKING YELLOWCARDED SOMEONE WHEN WE KICKED OFF THE BALL (a corner kick too, a very crucial kick in the game) AND IT WAS IN MIDAIR. MIDAIR!!!! omg...

and do you know how many overlooked handballs there were in the game? Hmm... oh i don't know i kind of lost count after the 10th...

and as you see in the picture above...
i wonder what "offside" means to the swiss... do they think it's a free kick with no defensive players to get in their way except the surprised goalie?

Oh come on! The Korean soccer team are not full of retards, why didn't they defend their goal if it wasn't a freaking illegal shot?

AND you know despite all this, the Swiss coach said that they won fair and square.
And that if they could, they would have been able to kick in a third one...
"We know it's possible to go another round. And we feel like doing it. I'd rather have the three points than the cake"

yeah I would be confident too if the ref was on my side, and i hope you choke on your cake...

HUUULK MAAAADDDD

2006-06-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that in the past, i've written very... how do i say... bitingly? As if I had a grudge against the world, very sarcastic, very cynical, and i used a lot of metaphors.

I think anger does fuel something that only anger can fuel. I'm not angry or anything, i'm just saying it does. Whatever THAT is. I think when your angry, it unleashes this part of your brain that usually doesn't open. Maybe that's why some artists are so bitter, because it keeps them "artistic".

When you're angry don't you think a lot faster, so fast that it jams. THEN that little blinking light goes off telling you that you're jammed. Then you get even MORE angry because of the fact that you are incabable of making any solutions because your mind is jammed, thus jamming your mind with more frustration

And by the time your able to undo and redo and undo your brain again, you are so exhausted that you just can't think any longer.

wow. Being angry bites.

But in some situations, being angry gives me sort of a "boost", actually more of a motivation. But there's a specific type of anger that fuels me to do better. I don't know which one it is, but it is.

Sometimes i just don't, or can't, do anything while i'm angry. I become irrational, and my mouth runs on its own, if you know what i mean. I literally start to fume from the head, and it really does feel like steam coming out from the ears. My brain, my abs, my whole digestive system starts to twist on the inside. My blood starts pumping. My feet start to curl. I'm not able to sit still, like a kid on amphetamines. My leg or my arm becomes "tingly". And I feel like I have enough man strength to wrestle a water buffalo (or at least mentally). Sometimes I really do think i can turn into the Hulk, or something equivalent to it. My voice and language definitely undergoes some kind of mutation.

So the solution... i can't live without being angry, what kind of human is that? But i guess i must try, and i think so far, i've been pretty good about keeping things under control, in the icepack, back in storage, up and over pressure. Sometimes i have my moments, but I've been less angry than i've ever been before.

and the difference that made it possible is that i tell my anger to people, i don't care if they're listening or not because they probably aren't, but STILL, at least i'm able to get stuff off my chest which keeps me healthy and stress-free for a little while longer. And those are the times when i go to sleep.

There are two reasons why I take a nap:

1) When all is right in the world and i know that i can finally take a break from it all
2) When all is in absolute disaster and i feel there is no immediate relief at the moment, so i have to lay down before i pop a blood vessel and lose my ability to see.

the only two times when i go take a nap.

Just a Day Left

2006-06-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

Hmm Graduations were today.

I should've taken more chances this past school year. I should've taken more pictures with everyone. I've never felt this way before in the past years, but i guess i'm getting old or something. I'm getting all nostalgic almost.

I should've bought an yearbook every year.

hmm...

well i'm sure i'll get over it as soon as the summer starts, but really...
now i know what they mean by feeling the "what-ifs"

Haha how wierd, it's been lingering in the back of my mind this whole week, it's actually bothersome. I try to forget, but oh wow... i can't.

I'll just have to wait for the summer to start, TOMORROW IS THE LAST DAY! =]

I should take up ballroom dancing. I should start yoga. I should listen to more music. I should go to more concerts. I should learn how to drive. I should watch more soccer with more enthusiasm. I should start early on summer assignments. I should plan everything ahead. I should go to the beach. I should try to obtain a fake id card and go out. I should go shopping. I should start to ACTUALLY take some SAT classes (even if it is only for a little bit), I should give blood, i should help people out, i should travel, i should go on a road trip, i should have a little romance, i should get a pet, i should get a hobby, i should practice my rifle/sabre/flag, i should pay attention, i should take more pictures, i should start scrapbooking, i should keep track of all my practices, i should keep track of everything else, I should go to the beach, i should go watch movies, i should go to a theme park, i should go hiking, i should go river rafting, i should go bungee jumping, i should go rock climbing, i should help out at home, i should get a job, i should get a car...

i should do a lot of things.

Kicking and Screaming

2006-06-12T00:17:00.000-07:00

I don't want to go to school...
ugh my mind is out of the door, I practically sit through all six of my classes doing NOTHING
NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING

i can't believe i still have two more finals to finish, and they both are pretty crucial classes... but i know i'm going to fail them both and it's not going to drop me down a letter grade, there's a slim chance that it might raise my grade.

hmm...

What else is there for me to do besides that for school? Uh make my English portfolio and I'm done! I'm finished! HASTA LA VISTA BEHBEH

I act like I even have a life outside of school, what am I going to do? ROT away at home, thinking bitterly how I didn't get into Civics and Econ even though I turned my applications in pretty damn early... and probably wait for July 15 to roll around the corner so i could FINALLY go to the DMV... oh and Colorguard, but that's part of my OTHER life. Sort of an escape from this one... I'm seriously going to try to make something out of this summer. I'm gonna do something important, I'm not gonna stop world hunger or anything (even though it would be nice), but something.

hmm... yes. Something

The Taste of Money

2006-06-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

Is Killer For Your Liver

I got a new digital camera today. Wow. I just needed a little thing that takes pictures, but my dad went all crazy and bought me a Sony 7.2 megapixel, that name itself is like $50.

yay?

And we also went car shopping. How exciting! I don't even have my license yet... I didn't buy anything, and i don't really plan to make a decision until maybe at the end of this month or so. Hmm... My dad wants to buy me a convertible mustang, and i want one too... however, the insurance itself would be WAY over my head. He also wants me to get an F150 or a Tundra, but how will i manage those? I mean the monthly gas cost would be around $300, plus my insurance would go up after crashing into lamposts and backing up into parked cars.

I'm thinking conservative.
hmm...

FIFA 2006 Germany

2006-06-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

I watched my first two 2006 FIFA games today. WEEE how exciting. I wish I could go to Germany to watch it. I missed the England vs Paraguay, it was too early in the morning (I would've loved to see David Beckham, what a sexy man). I did watch Sweden vs. Trinidad <0,0> and Argentina vs. Ivory Coast <2,1>

Yeah-yuh GO ARGENTINA! they are so flowy, i love watching them

wow

Trinidad's goalie was freakin awesome, that and Sweden had the worst strategy i've seen in ages... they've never won their opening game since like the 70's. I wonder how they'll do against England, I REALLY REALLY want to watch that game. The seats are $3000, yeah, that's THREE zeros. I heard England just can't beat Sweden, it's a jinx... how weird

tomorrow: serbiaVSnetherlands mexicoVSiran angolaVSportugal

AHH it has started, and just in time for the summer!! AHHH i i wish i could go to Germany.

BLOG IT

2006-06-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

xanga got overrated
lol
i'm so cliche, and you know you love it

what am i talking about? this is exactly like xanga, except somehow more sophisticated and better...

speaking of better,

I'm getting better from my cold... a cold that i got in the middle of this foresaken weather.
This was a quickie, i'm glad. I guess it was from all those projects and the end of the year EVERYTHING, it all just came tumbling down at me and i just couldn't handle it. Well, I did, but not with grace I tell you that.

WEE the year is almost over, the seniors are gone, the year is gone, the chance to improve myself is gone...

you know i realized how I messed up my future during my Junior year, i should have tried harder. Oh well, no use in crying over spilled milk. I'm sure things will get better, if not, then I'll just have to live harder and regret more than the average person.

How wonderful.