Father,
Pierce my skull, so that your wisdom may reside in me.
Pierce my heart, so that it may beat with yours as my blood is consumed in your fire.
Pierce my hands, so that when I serve you I remember what you had done for me.

I will write new psalms in your favor,
a new song for my life.
Lord, You deserve it all, may our offerings be pleasing,
may our dances and voices be seen and heard in heaven.
Surely the days of fasting and celebration will be a banquet of Your blessings.
Father meet us there.

The Right to the Pursuit of Happiness

Sickening. Studying for so long on the Declaration of Independence and the American Revolution has got me thinking about my rights of pursuing happiness.

I think about these days if i've grown too old to pursue the smaller joys in life. Will i be always working towards the bigger goals? The bigger homes? The bigger promotions? Would I ever settle for the time spent driving along the coast, ditching classes to play at the beach? Or am I now entering the portion of my life when that is no longer acceptable, not because someone told me so... but because my pursuits of happiness is about accomplishing things, getting the grade, hitting the mark. Where now ditching a class will be a day's worth of missed information, a missing step on the ladder of success.

I have forgotten the feeling of carelessness because now every move i make seems to affect the very near future. I am told not to worry but it's hard when your life and the quality of it, is on the line. Where will i find help? I do not know. Everyone is busy climbing their ladders.

Of course, I haven't asked anyone for help. I still feel like they don't need to because it isn't their problem to deal with it. I still feel like there's no reason for them to share the pains and the trials, because they are my own... no. It's because of my bitter pride.

It's hard to find the good in all circumstances when all the good that you do seems to be leading you for self-destruction. If God can hear me... when will this end? Why must the world seem so right... so correct, so logical.

My mother told me that giving will be the death of me.

And I now know what she was talking about. I want to give and NOT think about how I will end up, but I do. All the time. If I have nothing to lose, then i can give more freely BUT being as I am... I don't want to come to the point where i have nothing.

What does it mean to count it all as loss and gain everything in Christ?

Because I need to know now. How much further do I need to be ruined for me to gain everything in You? Because, to be honest, I don't know how long I will last. What must I do to have at least one thing go right? Must you even take away my intellects and my ardent love for the aesthetics of language and the human mind?! Why must I grow cold to my former passions to pursue the further development of this relationship?! Why is it so hard to die to myself to gain an inspiration to live again?! and how come I know the answers to my problems, but i still have these problems... what must i do? I know in my mind, but I am lost in my heart.

Never in my life have i been so desperate, and yet I have not been desperate enough.

I've only just realized how much it costs to yearn for something,
I've only realized there's nothing in this world that is free.

It hurts a lot, but if i just blindly go through with it, it's not that bad.
Not bad at all.

How my faith has been tested in these past few months...
I've come to know that my faith has been the weakest of all,
but I also realized that my faith has all the potential in the world to move greater mountains.

But with so much on my shoulders, and so much of my realities against me...
I oddly feel very at peace.

I'm starting to slowly let go of my worldy desires one at a time...
and I'm beginning to express myself into words...
it's all coming together in some strange, stressful, and yet fulfilling way.

God is good.
I am not.
But we can be.

Fountain of Youth?

I usually hear people tell me that I act mature for my age...

not to brag, rather, it wasn't anything I thought was worth bragging about...

Whenever someone told me,
I always wondered what they really meant by that.
I know I look old, i get it... i'm "mature"
thank you -__-;;

Is it because I don't say anything...
when I stay quiet and watch others bicker amongst themselves.
That's not maturity, that's just being stout, or keeping myself out of trouble.

I rarely give any advice worth repeating...
For the most part, I only know partially what to say
and when to say them.

I rarely provide or share anything that I feel you may need...
You just happen to be there when I have it.

(wow i sound like a horrible person.)

for awhile, I didn't really want to hear that anymore.
But it's something I should thank them for.
I would rather find myself to be more mature than to be anything that is considered less.

But prices were paid.

I guess the more I'm made "mature",
I made just that many mistakes to get here.

I wish I could tell that one person...

maybe being naiive isn't too bad...
순수한게 나은지도 몰라

눈물이 뚝뚝||K.Will

None is Mighter than Thy Pen

I miss writing for the sake of writing.
I miss writing for my own head to hear, to know that I am not living a brainless, thoughtless life... without words to paint my ever off white walls.

I miss designing without worrying about what others may think.
I miss designing for my own pleasures, for my own satisfactions... on my own time.
I miss developing, discovering, practicing new techniques to improve upon.

I miss... many things that i used to do for myself and just myself.
I know I live a life that is not dedicated to self...
but as I lay in bed, coughing up a storm, I wonder how I got myself this far...
to the point where I can't even fight back the common cold.
----
I miss reading.
I miss drawing.
I miss making words with my alphabet cereal.
I miss browsing.
I miss looking out the window.
I miss driving to far off places.
I miss daydreaming.
I miss watching cartoons.
I miss playing dumb games online.
I miss talking and having conversations.
I miss my innocence.
I miss drinking coffee on rainy days.
I miss crushing.
I miss not worrying about bills and gas.
I miss watching sunrises.
I miss making breakfast.
I miss scrapbooking.
I miss sewing and stitching.
I miss the airport and watching the planes take off.
I miss poetry.
I miss music.
I miss dancing in my room.
I miss theater.
I miss rollercoasters.
I miss stargazing up in the mountains and down in the deserts.
I miss my family trips.
I miss making cards.
I miss singing.
I miss running through sprinklers.
I miss sharing embarrassing moments.
I miss

I miss...

am I missing the point when I waste time missing all the things I am missing by just...
missing?

shadowfeet||brookefraser

love makes the world go round?

In the midst of my finals, the ends of my sophomore year, in the last few weeks of my stressful mission preparations, and other worries that consume my thoughts on a daily basis, I realized I have not taken the time to love.

Being self absorbed is tiring, even in affirmation. Yet my tiredness, my sorrow, only leads back to me. Thus, it is me being self-absorbed, and knowing that it's me and my own fault, it makes me more tired because I feel like I'm doing this alone. I'm not sure how it works, but it is an entangling entanglement.

However, that is where I fall.

As I shake my fist up to heaven and wonder out loud, why must the Lord give me these hardships to endure? What am I learning this time? And i realized today... it is not God. God isn't there when I'm going around in circles, worrying and doing one thing after another. No, because I'm forgetting to love. And without love, there is no God, because God is love.

I realized that God resides in the little acts of love, His entity is revealed when I love. When your spirit and my spirit vibe in synergy, that's God working.

So the more I love, God is all the more there; and with God there, all the more strength and energy to me! Which enables me to do greater things and finish things in victory because God is there.

But in order for me to tap into that wellspring
what I have to do right now is... pray for you.

food.art.music.
defining the realm since the beginning of time.

b r e a k m e

Rules were meant to be broken.
If rules couldn't be broken then it would no longer be a rule, but a state of law.

How much longer am I suppose to be measured by these rules
Jesus broke all the rules to become the one rule.

i wish things were easier.
but it ain't...

actually, it's really simple.
But I love complicating my life, it's drilled into my head =]
I regret not being stronger to let go of things that are measured by human standards.

SaraBareilles||InsideOut

What?

I really hate my horrible short term memory.
My freaking goodness, how i hate it so...
if i could label it as a spiritual battle, i most certainly would.

It's amazing how I can forget the most crucial things at the most crucial times, every single day.
Where have I put the rest of my brain, can somebody please tell me?
I don't enjoy being this way...
and i certainly don't want to identify myself as the one with the mind of a goldfish.

It has put a major block on this hazardous construction site of a life...
I can only imagine a day when I have everything figured out, everything in its place, everything ready to go on time...

yes.
the perfect day, an illusive dream.

If were to be a bit more on track, I would be:
- smarter
- more efficient
- less stressed
- richer, have more money
- richer, not needlessly lose money
- happier?
- less tired
- less frustrated
- fruitful and abundant
- richer, wealthier in every way, especially financially...
- be less disappointing

i can be me, but 3 times more efficient and better in general.

i wrote this post because I forgot the main reason i even opened this post up.
damn my broken neurological senses.

i need a yogurt.

u n g r a t e f u l .

I realized just how lucky i really am.

Even though I should've seen this from a mile away, I wouldn't be very "human" if I did.
Everything that I've ever needed has been given to me.
I messed up a lot, and I continue to mess up all the time.
I say the wrong things at the wrong time.
I don't say anything at all in others...
I ask for help. I ask for guidance...
and it's all been given to me.
But many times, i don't take the help.
Even I surprise myself because I lack so much, I really am as dim as one gets.

I'm humbled and amazed at how many times I have been given that second, third, gazillionth chance.

There's always a way to fix it.
There's always another path to take.
He's always been right there, even when I'm not.

-------
rainyheart||themusium

Being Still.

It's so hard to discern God's voice in the midst of all this chaos, the hustle and bustle.

Recently,
I really found that heart of witnessing again.
For the past few times i went witnessing, I met people who go to church, used to go to church, and were hurt by their experiences there. Maybe God has called me to straighten things out, to heal them and let them know that even though THOSE people never loved them, He does.

There are so many misconceptions about God, even within the christian community. I don't even know how or when it began to get so bad. I think it's because we stopped listening.

As a whole generation, we stopped listening.
And God is a god of justice, the following generations will feel his punishment.
That I didn't really understand till today...

Nobody is born with a certain mind set, it's shaped by their parents.
So it would take a couple generations before God can really instill his presence on a family that turned away from Him.

I can only pray that I'm living a life worthy of His calling.
That i'm listening to Him.
I hope all my enlightenments, those dreams and visions...
if You're speaking to me, may it be plain to me and may I trust it with all the faith I have to offer...
numbers 21

I guess it's almost time, Everything is starting to irk

I really believe there are only a couple key things that rub me the wrong way... to the point that leads me to write about it, rant about it...

Today I'm only going to rant about one of those things...

Hypocrites.

It makes me cringe whenever somebody uses that word. I've noticed throughout my short lived life, that people who use that word are the biggest hypocrites themselves. (I know i've totally contradicted myself, but if that was your initial thought, I also have a bone to pick with you, but that's another story)

Now it's not that you CAN'T use that word in front of me, go ahead, the word itself doesn't bother me at all. It bothers me when you mean it, actually... to be more specific... when you use it with another intention rather than trying to help a person become a better person.

For example, I believe, some people are incapable of seeing their own flaws if it isn't pointed out to them (for who knows what complexes they have). Maybe they really are a hypocrite, they live a life of a... an American Patriot! However, they are actually a Neo-Nazi leader. Something like that. Even though I am not one to point out your flaws (for my own cowardice sake), but it really makes me hold my tongue when that word is being tossed around.

Do they even know the meaning of hypocrisy? I'm going to take it back, way back to the translation in the Old Testament. Hypocrisy means being "godless" and "profane" (thank you wikipedia). I knew in the back of my mind that being a hypocrite couldn't just possibly mean "not practicing what you preach". BECAUSE, we are all guilty of that in some way, shape, or form. So in order for Jesus to get so angry at people being a "hypocrite", it really makes no sense that a hypocrite "simply" doesn't practice what he preaches. Because then, Jesus would hate all of us.

AND that is why I would never call a person a hypocrite UNLESS it is in a religious term. I also loathe fact that this word is used out of context, and used to bring people down and be defaced.

A hypocrite, according to the French, are those who hide their true intentions and personalities. And I feel that is correct, those who use the word "hypocrite" to deface others are in turn, the biggest hypocrite of them all.

(note: i wasn't called a hypocrite, that isn't why I'm frustrated)
----
wow that felt good to get that off my chest.

Ohio teen convicted of killing mom over video game

our world needs a lot of prayer, nothing new... but still
you'd think...

I have lived for almost two decades

It's strange how i feel... the same? But I've been feeling like i should've been twenty for awhile.
I kind of wish to be 20 forever (along with 95% of the world population, i leave the 5 for percent errors)

I really like the feeling of or the state of mind that I believe that I'm invincible. Disease, accidents, and all the other stuff isn't really part of my life equation. I love it. Death has no hold on me... yet. I do think about sometimes, for some reason I really do think I'll go in a car accident. Shh. Kind of like James Dean, maybe while I'm young and reckless. Haha, i should be careful of what I say, or at least that's what my mom tells me.

So i've already broken two out of two new year's resolution that I made. -__-; But I shouldn't give up now. I have this problem when my plans are ruined, i just scrap the whole thing.

hmm... i have a lot of problems now that I think about it.

What's been really holding me together so far are these two songs...
Brooke Fraser - Faithful
Mae - Last Call

I really like the line "an opera at a disco, when all you wanted was a rock show"
I find that really close to home...

Another thing just hit me upside the head
right now is the youngest I'll ever be

I wonder what I'm doing with my life, the first few weeks of my winter break has been absolutely hectic. I seriously felt like I was running on a treadmill not knowing where the slow down button is and just continually going with the flow, because if not, I'll fall face down eating the lovely rubber treads. lovely. rubber. treads.

I may be the youngest I'll ever be right now, but I'm also the most broke i've ever been! wow. I really can't even say anything about it... I'm so broke. Yet i still spend money, because I seriously cannot NOT spend money. What's wrong with me? It's seriously easier said than done. How could i NOT spend money? I guess I can live like a hermit for a couple weeks... but what of my winter break? This is the ONLY time i won't have any projects. ONLY TIME. I need this (or so i tell myself). But i think i've been doing pretty well lately, living on twenty bucks a day... it's an improvement.

God has not failed me nor broken his promise, I am physically out of resources BUT somehow there has always been a way for me to get things done. I guess this is a lesson I am currently learning... a real humbling experience to tell you the truth and this is forcing me to sort of stop and get some real business done instead of my head floating around in the clouds.

time for me to make as many mistakes as possible.